Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's blow job season.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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