Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
