And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
