When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
