the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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