it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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