We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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