Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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