Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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