I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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