Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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