my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
