Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
