I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
