i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
