and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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