good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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