my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
