so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
