I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
