i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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