do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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