Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
