she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
