She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
