Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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