I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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