Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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