A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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