my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
