You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
