You're completely useless in the revolution.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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