Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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