Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
