just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
