a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
