i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
