Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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