evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
