Pants 0. Shit 1.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
