They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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