did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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