I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
