Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
