The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
