did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
