And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
