im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
