New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
In America we eat man semen.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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