Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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